“When Hope Fades”

Mr. A asked me if I would be willing to blog about what I’m going through, the cool/God part of it all, was that Mr. A had no idea that God had been laying on my heart to share with y’all some of what I’m going through. So, here I am, offering…really, my heart. Writing has always been an outlet for me, so in 2014 I started a blog and to be honest, no one has ever read it, but I feel God tugging at my heart to let my story be known and my dream is for God to be known through my story.

Y’all know me as Brooke, the girl who is always sick, this is true, no earth shattering news here. But, did you know that I have been sick since 5th grade, I take 30 pills a day, I have over 20 doctors at the Mayo Clinic, I spend an average of 15 days in-patient at the hospital a year, I visit the E.R. an average of 10 times a year, I go under anesthesia an average of 5 times a year, I have an average of 30 blood draws and IVs a year? Did you know that I am at the doctor’s office, at least once a week? Did you know that my doctors told me that it’d be best for my body, if I dropped out of school and if I never went to college? Did you know that literally every dream I’ve ever created for myself has been taken away or questioned by my doctors? Did you know that I have a chronically ill mom, who I’ve been told to say goodbye to 3 times now? Did you know that I’ve lived in 3 states, 11 houses and gone to 7 different schools? Did you know that I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years? Did you know that I can’t remember what a day, even a second, without physical pain, feels like? Did you know that I currently have 46 diagnoses?

Some friends and spiritual mentors have called the past 8 years of my life the modern day tale of Job. I wish that I could say that as trial after trial hit my family and I, that as everything I thought I possessed here on earth was stripped away from me, that my first reaction was always to praise God, but that’s not how it happened. I’m human, I mess up everyday and although I’m constantly striving to live in a constant state of praise, I fail and there’s been times when I’ve blamed God and walked away from God for a little while. Fortunately, for me I’ve always been dragged back into God’s grace and His presence. Yeah, I’ve messed up, more than once, but God has also put a faith inside me, that I’ve never been able to relinquish. No matter what I’ve gone through, I’ve always been able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. God has always allowed His light to shine brighter than the darkness around me. It’s because of this un-relinquished faith, that I not only feel the need to share it, but now I have the courage to share it. God has done more than I could’ve ever imagined in my life. I’m not going to lie, there are days when I think to myself, “Why would God allow such terrible things to happen to me?” But, there are also a lot of days, where I can honestly say, that I couldn’t have planned a better life. God has used everything that I have gone through for good and I believe that He will continue to do so.

So, as I go on this journey, you can follow along if you’d like. My blog is “When Hope Fades”

 

 

 

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